Cat Wars

Warren loved to write. He often sent random musings to his email list and editorials to the local papers. One of our favorites is his reporting of the Cat Wars. This was originally distributed in a series of emails.

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The Set Up

A wild orange cat has been coming in our cat door in the basement at night, eating cat food and beating up our cats big time. Now our cats, all 4 of them, are afraid to go into the basement where their food and litter box is. Serious problem.

Cat Wars – Day 1

My Attack: I rent a “live trap” and set it up in the basement with a big dish of moist cat food.

Cat Response: Trap sprung, food undisturbed, and no cat. Apparently the cat battled the outside of the traip until it went off.

Cat Wars – Day 2

My Attack: Same setup.

Cat Response: Same as Day 1.

Cat Wars – Day 3

My Attack: We decide that we need to give up some food to get the cat comfortable with going into the trap. I tied the trap open so he couldn’t spring it and placed a juicy bowl of food near the entrance to the trap.

Cat Response: The cat ignored the food and ripped open a bag of dog food and feasted.

Cat Wars – Day 4

My Attack: Same as Day 3 except all possible sources of food have been removed from the basement. Unfortunately, when we’re ready to go to bed, one our cats is missing, probably afraid to come in because the orange cat is out there waiting for us to go to bed. Consequently, Teresa insists we leave the door to the basement open in case our cat comes home.

Cat Response: Predictably, the cat once again ignores the food in the cage, goes upstairs to the kitchen and feasts on lasagna scraps from the garbage and breaks open a package of hot dog buns. He may also have played with some video games.

Now I’m mad. Actually, I’m afraid this cat will eventually be sleeping in my bed and have made slaves of us. Pull all stops.

Our cat door has a unique feature … It can be set to let the cat in but NOT OUT. I propose that we set the door for in-only, close the door to the upstairs, and the next morning I’ll go down there dressed in heavy clothes with a wool shirt, winter gloves and a catcher’s mask … and catch the cat. I’ll take a heavy blanket and corner the cat, then throw the blanket over it. I’m figuring the dog will want in on this action and afterwards we’ll both have gained heightened respect from our cats, not to mention the comradery that the dog and I will share. I’m excited.

Teresa vetoes the plan, saying that by the time I catch the cat the basement will be wrecked and covered with cat urine and crap. Damn, why does she have to think that way? The plan was apparently outside of the dog’s realm of understanding, as he doesn’t seem to realize the great opportunity that has slipped away.

I rig an alternative. I suspend the dog’s crate (dog cage) 4 feet off the floor, right in front of the cat door. An elaborate system of C clamps and 2 x 4’s hold it in place. Old blankets seal off any gaps. Cat door set for in-only. Several juicy plates of food inside the dog crate.

Cat Response: We’ll see in the morning.

Cat Wars – Day 5

We’re in the War Room this morning. Teresa’s on the phone with the vet.

It’s clear now that what started as an annoying little problem has taken on the historic dimensions of a crusade by “Big Orange” to move his entire species further up the evolutionary ladder. He’s pulled beside us and he’s signaling to pass.

Nothing happened last night. To clarify the situation, the cat door is in a basement window, hence the need to suspend the dog cage 4 feet off the basement floor, to position it around the cat door high on the inside wall. Also, the cat door has a Plexiglas window.

It’s a pretty good bet that he looked in the cat door, saw the dog crate and food and took a pass, perhaps mumbling something about “amateurish tricks.” I can’t even catch our own cats. Now they’re mocking me and signaling for an evolutionary pass.

Cat Wars – Day 6

First we’ll put everything in the basement back to normal. Tonight I’ll set the cat door to in-only and close the door to the upstairs. We’ll leave a full can of tuna fish on the table, spiked with a tranquilizer!

The idea here is that armed with the heavy clothes, wool shirt, gloves and catcher’s mask, I can catch a drugged cat before he destroys the basement and soaks everything in cat urine.

I’m excited again.

Cat Wars – Day 7

This will be a short note, as we are in a lull during the finale of the Great Cat Wars of 2000. The cat is trapped in the basement. Unfortunately, he has refused to eat any of the tranquilizer-spiked tuna. I’ve discovered that cat teeth easily penetrate thick winter gloves. He mostly hides on top of the basement walls where they meet the rafters. Currently that’s where he is, far back in one corner behind the fuse box, hoping that he can lure me into a little electrical accident. Numerous attempts at poking brooms and lumber at him only cause him to shift his position. Twice I’ve lassoed him with a makeshift loop on the end of a pole. He has frantically fought off those attacks, contorting his body in all directions until he’s free. This is truly a wild cat and a determined warrior.

A lull for now, but the battle will continue …

Cat Wars – Epilogue

After much discussion Teresa and I reached a decision. Here’s the logic.

• If we caught Big Orange and took him to the Humane Society, that would be a death warrant.
• We’ve gained some respect for this wild, yet courageous beast that struggles against enormous odds.
• His religious crusade to “pass the humans on the evolutionary ladder” has made him a folk hero among even our own cats. If we kill him he’ll become a martyr and others will take up the cause.

So after a day and half of battling, we felt he was terrorized enough and we let him go.

Now we’ll find out just how smart this cat is. If he comes back, I’ll block off his best hiding places in the basement and again set the cat door for in-only. Then I’ll put him in a cage and take him for a ride to Toledo, where I’ll give him $20 and speed off. As my friend Rich says, “Anyone can have a good time in Toledo with $20.”

And if he doesn’t return, then we’ve claimed our territory and he’s respected our claim. Fair enough.

Warren

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Teresa’s Postscript

Big Orange did stay away for awhile, but one day I found him snoozing on the couch! Getting him out of the house was another huge battle (he was a true feral cat who went into attack mode whenever a human approached). I finally managed to trap him behind a cabinet next to the sliding glass door, which I left open, and then installed a series of barriers so that the only way he could go was out. It took him awhile, but he finally left.

That was about the time when one of our cats brought a bird in through the cat door and let it loose in the basement, which neither of us knew about until we saw feathers floating in the dining room. We finally were able to trap the bird and let it loose outside.

One evening shortly thereafter, I looked up while reading in bed and watched the neighbor’s cat saunter into our upstairs bedroom. There’s no telling how long she roamed the house before finding us.

The final straw came when the dog chased a raccoon away who was thinking about squeezing in through the cat door.

The cat door was nailed shut.